I had a really positive start to April and I felt like I'd just gotten into a bit of a steady rhythm and was chugging along nicely when my life decided to change that up a bit.
I got some bad news that came as a bit of a shock and could potentially have a pretty big effect on my life in the nearish future. Sounds cryptic I know but I don't really want to talk about it yet, other than to say it's not health-related, especially when I won't know fully what's going on for a while. Then I had a tonne of problems with the opticians, getting new glasses. It's a bit of a saga and it's unfortunately still ongoing and isn't really something I needed to happen. And then, to top it all off, my eczema decided to come back. I haven't had a full bout of eczema in a long while; I occasionally get a bit in the crook of my right arm but now it's on both arms, my eyelids, my legs. We thought it might be environmental and made some changes but it doesn't seem to be.
And of course, I'm really tired. So tired. Tireder than ever and I wasn't even sure it was possible for me to be even more tired. My post-work naps are now so long they can't even be called naps anymore, I'm back to cancelling social plans and, worst of all, we've decided to cut back on the exercise for a little while and go down to 2 sessions a week, alternating swimming with Aqua Zumba. This is a bit of a blow, I really thought I could work part time & exercise 3 times a week and be fine. But I've had to miss a couple of sessions already and I think psychologically it's better to choose to cut back than be forced to cancel something every week. Part of the issue is that Aqua Zumba is Monday night, quite late, which isn't ideal and the only real time we can go swimming is Tuesday afternoon. So my exercise regime is really front-loaded and when added to the fact I don't sleep well on Sunday nights, it's not really a recipe for success.
An indication of how tired I am is that today is the publication day of my most anticipated book of the year, The Raven King by Maggie Stiefvater. I've been waiting for this book since October 2014, and and I managed to pick it up last Wednesday, nearly a week before publication (albeit with a damaged cover *sob*) and I was super excited about it, I read nearly 80 pages and then I couldn't read any more. Because I was too tired. Too tired to read my most anticipated book of the year. I didn't pick it up again until Friday evening (I finished it on Saturday, it's magnificent).
I've also been really struggling with my April goals. I did pretty well with my March ones so I set a few more ambitious ones for April and I haven't hit a single one. It's super depressing to look at a list of things that really aren't that hard to achieve and know you just haven't had the energy to achieve them.
I feel like I'm suffering several setbacks all at once and it's really demoralising. I know, objectively, that things don't always go according to plan, but I'm not very good with things not going according to *my* plan, and having so many things go wrong at once is hard to deal with. So I've been self-medicating in self-pity. Not with pills or alcohol but with Krispy Kremes. I eat Krispy Kremes for breakfast. It's awful, not to mention expensive, but I'm so tired in the morning and I need energy and I just want doughnut deliciousness and it has become a terrible, shameful habit. So no more doughnuts. For the sake of my bank account if nothing else. Instead, I'm trying to focus on the positive changes. My sympathetic GP has given me sleeping tablets to take on Sundays, which is my worst night for sleep and sets me up super badly for the week. He's also sending me for blood tests but I can't have those done until May. I'm trying to see the positive side of the exercise change; our routine is pretty rigid and taking one element out will hopefully put some more balance back in my life until I'm ready to add that 3rd session back in. I have a pilates routine that I've been mostly--you guessed it--too tired to do, so I'm hoping to incorporate that back into my week more as I see a lot of benefit from it when I can do it.
And I have a lot of nice things happening in May. A friend is coming to visit, I'm finally going down to London again and I'm off to Stockholm to visit a friend who moved out there recently. I've also just booked an afternoon of spa treatments for me and my mum. And if I stay this burnt out, I won't enjoy any of that and I'll be worse off as a result of it all. So proactively making these changes now will allow me to enjoy all the fun stuff coming up more, and hopefully ensure the fall out from it is as limited as it can be. Hopefully.
How do you deal with a setback?
Man, I hear you on the setbacks. It can be so demoralizing and frustrating. I just try to keep in mind that even if the setback lasts for a month, I'll get back to the baseline soon enough. You are remarkable and you fight so hard -- thanks for sharing this. :-)
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